Livin on the Edge

Right in the middle of getting everything done, everything organized, clearing out the garage, planting flowers, getting the 16yr old to his summer baseball games....life throws in a wrench. I've been sick with a really bad UTI for the last couple of days now. It has completely put me out the game. Today thankfully I feel half human.

Living with my Mother has been a challenge. She means well.... but isn't that how it goes most of the time? They really mean well...but then fuck everything up in the meantime. Mother has blown fuses in the kitchen twice so far. First time she wanted to clean the kitchen outlets, when she went to go plug my brand NEW Krurig in and POP! Blew out my new coffee pot.... I had to go exchange it for a new one. Second time, she went to go clean the under neath of the stove top, took out the electric stove coils and when she went to go put them back in she blew multiple fuses. It took me, my husband and her an hour to figure this out. Did I mention my husband only has one day off this week? Yea, taking up a whole hour on something so stupid is absolutely infuriating. Over something that didn't needed to be cleaned in the first place. This place is spotless.

How do you politely navigate putting two households into one? You can't....not really. Mom has been Holding onto these gold and black signs that have bible scriptures on them for the last forty years. She wanted my help to put them up. I really didn't want them up. Sorry Mom. I mean....they're very dated. We have all of this new furniture in here.  We couldn't agree on a spot. Oops? Um. She has plenty of room in her room to hang up anything she wants?

She's already asked me to get rid of Radar, my German Sheppard rescue that I am in total love with. I flat out told her no. Why? Because he likes to pee in her room. Mom has a little dog, Lady, who pee's on puddle pads (most of the time) and Radar pee's where Lady pee's and it really pisses her off. Radar is getting neutered in two weeks. He is a younger dog, just over a year old I am guessing. Yes, Radar likes the vertical blinds too. Haven't a clue why. So I am doing the majority of the floor cleaning. I just don't want to hear her bitching.

It's such an adjustment. I am having a hard time relaxing. I'm having a hard time even watching TV because I am always afraid it's too loud. I hate this. I know I am just going to have to get over it, right?

Now it's the quiet battle of the running toilet and hanging up the living room curtains. Stay tuned!

It's you, not me.

My feelings are really hurt. The following person I'm about to talk about isn't on any type of social media account so they are not going to read this. This isn't any type of jab at them. They are a previous Intended Parent. No, I am not going to come running here every time someone hurts my feelings. They have a right to their own feelings and I have right to mine.

They finally gave me an update on my surrogate babe. It was wonderful to get a picture and an update on them. I get two updates a year, which I am thankful for, but want more and they are not ready for more contact. Yes, me feelings are hurt by this. Since they are not on any social media I don't have access to anything from them except what they give me. That's really hard. The constant false promises of seeing this family I worked with, help create and having them about 2hrs away is incredibly hard.

The two Mothers I worked with are the two families I've been hurt by the most. Again, this isn't an attack on all intended Mothers, this is just MY experience for me personally. Also, again, actually, both sets are not on social media so none of them are going to see this. This isn't any a dig or jab. This is my personal experience.

They wanted an update on me. Wanted to know what life had been thrown at me. Job change for me/we just bought our first home/an intended parent passing away/possible hubby new job/me no job after all..... was a lot to write about. But they asked, so I told. I gather from their lack of response, outside of a text, "Oh gosh so much has happened, congrats on the house, sorry to hear about everything" was all I got back.

Lesson learned.

Every time I talk to this person, they are so nice through text. That's all I get. I get a text picture and a text update and that's it. They live so close to me too. They write things like, "I can't wait to see you again and We will get together soon and Can't wait for you to meet "the surrogate child" again." On and on and on.... It's obvious that SHE isn't ready to see me, to have a relationship with me and my family. It's hurtful. My feelings are incredibly hurt. I was obviously a means to an end and you really didn't want contact like you said you did. Your heart was not ready.

It would also be easier if I had no contact. No teasing that way. With all they shit I am going through right now, stuff I haven't even mentioned yet, my heart is all full up on hurting. It's hard not to be angry.

Thanks for absolutely nothing and making me finally realize it's not me, it's you.

I'll Admit....

I'll admit that I broke when I retired out from Surrogacy. Surrogacy was something that my body was ready to quit, but not my soul. My mind was tired, if I could have taken a long break then get back into surrogacy I would have done it again. I was 41 when I retired, that's old enough by most standards. But still. I thought I was ready to retire, to have my body back and stop.

I was wrong.

What do I mean when I say I broke. I loved surrogacy. I love everything about it. I loved helping people and seeing these wonderful people with their babies, watching them become a family. It was great. Then...my body started to break down. Suddenly I was in a lot more pain, my bladder was consistently hurting from spasms, my legs starting swelling (which they never did), I would get three day migraines...the list goes on. I was tired of feeling bad. Despite this, I was happy. I was doing something good. I was leaving my mark on the world. So after my last surrogacy, I was fed up with feeling yucky, I was 41, I thought this was my chance to retire out gracefully.

Then I retired. I walked away from my last family. That last final walk out Labor and Delivery, that final goodbye to all my nurses was eerie. I got in the car, looking back at the hospital I didn't know how to feel. I thought I would feel relieved. Truthfully all I felt was sadness. Happy that everything ended well, also very sad. My mind took two steps back, off of a cliff with broken champagne glass in my hand without a safety net. "Oh shit" just wasn't enough to explain the situation anymore.

I had all of the classic symptoms of depression. Naturally I thought I was fine and dealt with the coming days with a smile on my face. I felt lost. I felt like someone locked me out of my own house, changed all of the locks and purposely didn't give me any of keys to get in. I kept knocking on the front door but no one was home. I felt alone. Even though I had a solid support system in place, they can only mobilize to help when they see you needing help, I never let on. Surrogates are supposed to be these strong women who are solid in every way. Mentally, emotionally and physically strong for so long.

I didn't have to be strong anymore, I broke. I started with these crazy anxiety attacks that came out of no where from these mace up "what if" scenarios that I would think up in my head. Which went hand in hand with depression. I did seek help, but not for a long time. It's been over two years since I retired out and I still deal with these issues. I feel like that I realized I didn't have to be strong anymore and my mind clicked over to weak. I just emotionally and mentally broke down and I don't know why truthfully. I've sought professional help, talked to someone and it has made me feel better. I still have anxiety, I deal with that now everyday. I was given the option of meds for depression, but since I was borderline I have chosen not to pursue that option right now. Now, this is my life. Even though life is good, I'm okay but will always view myself as broken.   

This isn't a warning or a cautionary tale of any sorts. This is what happened to me. I chose to keep this quiet until now. It was a big reason why I went back to work. That's a whole other story I'll get too.

My Intro

My Introduction

For anyone who doesn't know I am a retired eight, yes eight, time surrogate. Most of my surrogacy's where really great. Naturally there are a lot emotions involved and yes, there were sad times. With those sad times there were really beautiful joyous times. Moments that I will forever cherish. Pictures I will look back on feeling accomplished. I have left my mark on the world.

I have two kids of my own. A husband for 21 years, three dogs, two guinea pigs and a tortoise. I'm not some wild and crazy person. My idea of a fun night is a good book and a cupcake (or three but who's counting.) Really thrilling isn't it? Almost completed college degree, a vocational degree and previous business owner.

I was 41 when I retired from being a surrogate. I emotionally can't rehash each surrogacy. Obviously I will talk about each one as the subject comes up. Partially why I started this blog. I'm in various states of contact with each of my surrogacy's, all done in the USA. Some live close and some live on opposite coast lines. Some I see on social media, some I don't. Some I only text or email once or twice a year and some I go and visit while staying in their home. I get a lot of beautiful pictures, tons of beautiful smiling faces I helped bring into this world. Seeing my surrogacy's always makes me feel better, knowing that the world is a better place making good people parents being able to raise their kids.

This also comes with a measure of sadness and if anyone tells you differently then they're liars. And those are fightin' words in my book. Most people don't talk about the feelings of after a surrogacy is completed and what the surrogate goes through. This isn't to make anyone feel sad, maybe to gain a greater understanding.


Life lately has been one giant roller coaster. You'd think you've done enough good in the world to have some good karma built up. Maybe I have and this is life's version of going easy on me maybe? LOL, gosh...that's a scary thought.

Dear Life, Fuck you.

Okay, onto to other things.

Once Again

Once again I am starting a blog. It's been a long time since I seriously blogged and I've missed it. So much has happened and it's hard talking about everything to every single person, this way people can come here and read whats going on. This won't be some fancy schmancy blog with cool widgets or graphics, this will be a place for me to write and tell everyone what is going on. 

I'll be jumping around in my timeline for a bit until I get everything explained, so just bare with me. A lot of this information will be new to some people, I figured this will be a good place to jump off. If anyone remember's way back when I had a very popular blog about ten years ago that I had a huge following. I chose to step away from it because the blog became too emotional for me to continue. 

Stay Tuned, My Introduction is up next!