I'll Admit....

I'll admit that I broke when I retired out from Surrogacy. Surrogacy was something that my body was ready to quit, but not my soul. My mind was tired, if I could have taken a long break then get back into surrogacy I would have done it again. I was 41 when I retired, that's old enough by most standards. But still. I thought I was ready to retire, to have my body back and stop.

I was wrong.

What do I mean when I say I broke. I loved surrogacy. I love everything about it. I loved helping people and seeing these wonderful people with their babies, watching them become a family. It was great. Then...my body started to break down. Suddenly I was in a lot more pain, my bladder was consistently hurting from spasms, my legs starting swelling (which they never did), I would get three day migraines...the list goes on. I was tired of feeling bad. Despite this, I was happy. I was doing something good. I was leaving my mark on the world. So after my last surrogacy, I was fed up with feeling yucky, I was 41, I thought this was my chance to retire out gracefully.

Then I retired. I walked away from my last family. That last final walk out Labor and Delivery, that final goodbye to all my nurses was eerie. I got in the car, looking back at the hospital I didn't know how to feel. I thought I would feel relieved. Truthfully all I felt was sadness. Happy that everything ended well, also very sad. My mind took two steps back, off of a cliff with broken champagne glass in my hand without a safety net. "Oh shit" just wasn't enough to explain the situation anymore.

I had all of the classic symptoms of depression. Naturally I thought I was fine and dealt with the coming days with a smile on my face. I felt lost. I felt like someone locked me out of my own house, changed all of the locks and purposely didn't give me any of keys to get in. I kept knocking on the front door but no one was home. I felt alone. Even though I had a solid support system in place, they can only mobilize to help when they see you needing help, I never let on. Surrogates are supposed to be these strong women who are solid in every way. Mentally, emotionally and physically strong for so long.

I didn't have to be strong anymore, I broke. I started with these crazy anxiety attacks that came out of no where from these mace up "what if" scenarios that I would think up in my head. Which went hand in hand with depression. I did seek help, but not for a long time. It's been over two years since I retired out and I still deal with these issues. I feel like that I realized I didn't have to be strong anymore and my mind clicked over to weak. I just emotionally and mentally broke down and I don't know why truthfully. I've sought professional help, talked to someone and it has made me feel better. I still have anxiety, I deal with that now everyday. I was given the option of meds for depression, but since I was borderline I have chosen not to pursue that option right now. Now, this is my life. Even though life is good, I'm okay but will always view myself as broken.   

This isn't a warning or a cautionary tale of any sorts. This is what happened to me. I chose to keep this quiet until now. It was a big reason why I went back to work. That's a whole other story I'll get too.